|if you would shine your love down here I promise I'd reflect right back at you
||[Oct. 17th, 2010|03:11 pm]
i know i shouldnt drink. but it happens. theres no self control. i start to say things.
so many things i want to say. i keep my mouth shut because i dont want to hurt anyone.
the way i see it... im fine hurting myself. im fine being hurt, im fine going through
my emotional roller coaster. its been something ive been dealing with the last 3 years.
i rant and i rant and i rant because i want to be heard. in the long run were all in
the same place. we all wind up alone. i realized that this morning. it doesnt matter
who im with, how many people i surround myself with because as much fun as that is
when i wake up i wake up alone. im not talking about an intimate relationship. in
general. thats the way life is. i should be content with that.
i dont know exactly how it all spiraled out of control. its never hit me this hard before.
even right after my mothers death. but then again i remember that time like it was yesterday.
i felt numb. i felt like a bad person because i didnt feel anything. i couldnt cry i couldnt
feel sad i couldnt understand anything. these last month has been really tough. ive had
3 anxiety attacks, i didnt even know what was happening. all 3 times i sat in my car at
work crying my eyes out. sasha was there. she was there to comfort me. on the phone.
i didnt like that feeling. i was shaking uncontrollably, my heart was racing. i felt
the world caving in on me. that office felt like the size of a shoe box. it was scary.
i couldnt breathe.i felt like i was drowning.
those feeling creep up on me. and im scared to be alone. its when it happens. its really
bad because i cant even walk into my room. i feel like its gonna start all over again.
ive dealt with it. its just that lately its getting harder and harder to do so.
the last 2 weeks i havent been able to sleep. i get at most 4 hours of sleep. untill
i get to the point where im exhausted and i crash. but even then i cant sleep.
the nightmares began not too long ago. its been maybe 4 times where ive woken up crying.
they feel so real. theyre really scary. its all been self inflicting dreams.
i see myself hanging, cutting. stabbing. drowning myself.
now i want to make things clear. i am in no way suicidal. i can say that confidently.
i think thats why my dreams scare the shit out of me. my head is fucking with me.
its putting thoughts thats ive never had before. or at least never thought of before.
theyre there. and i never noticed them. or maybe i just ignored them. im not sure anymore.
all that does is make me think of 2 people. Aileen and Elisa. theyre all ive got now.
its not that i dont have family i do. but these two girls are here daily. and i love
them way too much, and its not enough.
theres too much. too much i want to say. this was good enough for now. if youve found yourway
here. i want to say thank you. because you took the time to listen. thats all i asked for.
anything youd like to say is more than welcomed. i know i ranted but its my way to release myself
"Through the strength of your arms, I realized I was off the mark.
All I really wanted was a pair of interested ears.
I learned that for every pause, I was almost guaranteed more time to speak.
It's always the selfish who say that life is way too short.
I'm not looking to get old, but that'll happen anyway.
Now I look at my hands they don't move the same two years ago.
At a slow steady pace, I made my way back home.
At least there I won't be ashamed.
Earlier today I felt the warmth as the skin it held the heat,
now the city surrounds me in different tones of gray.
Those are the same cries that make my bones shake...
Those are the same assholes that take more than they can handle.
I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.
I have kinetic energy.
The dividing line will separate us all.
Sometimes it's those nights,
where I'm all I have is really all I need."