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if you would shine your love down here I promise I'd reflect right back at you [Oct. 17th, 2010|03:11 pm]
[Current Mood |coldcold]
[Current Music |osker]

i know i shouldnt drink. but it happens. theres no self control. i start to say things.
so many things i want to say. i keep my mouth shut because i dont want to hurt anyone.
the way i see it... im fine hurting myself. im fine being hurt, im fine going through
my emotional roller coaster. its been something ive been dealing with the last 3 years.
i rant and i rant and i rant because i want to be heard. in the long run were all in
the same place. we all wind up alone. i realized that this morning. it doesnt matter
who im with, how many people i surround myself with because as much fun as that is
when i wake up i wake up alone. im not talking about an intimate relationship. in
general. thats the way life is. i should be content with that.

i dont know exactly how it all spiraled out of control. its never hit me this hard before.
even right after my mothers death. but then again i remember that time like it was yesterday.
i felt numb. i felt like a bad person because i didnt feel anything. i couldnt cry i couldnt
feel sad i couldnt understand anything. these last month has been really tough. ive had
3 anxiety attacks, i didnt even know what was happening. all 3 times i sat in my car at
work crying my eyes out. sasha was there. she was there to comfort me. on the phone.

i didnt like that feeling. i was shaking uncontrollably, my heart was racing. i felt
the world caving in on me. that office felt like the size of a shoe box. it was scary.
i couldnt breathe.i felt like i was drowning.

those feeling creep up on me. and im scared to be alone. its when it happens. its really
bad because i cant even walk into my room. i feel like its gonna start all over again.
ive dealt with it. its just that lately its getting harder and harder to do so.

the last 2 weeks i havent been able to sleep. i get at most 4 hours of sleep. untill
i get to the point where im exhausted and i crash. but even then i cant sleep.
the nightmares began not too long ago. its been maybe 4 times where ive woken up crying.
they feel so real. theyre really scary. its all been self inflicting dreams.
i see myself hanging, cutting. stabbing. drowning myself.

now i want to make things clear. i am in no way suicidal. i can say that confidently.
i think thats why my dreams scare the shit out of me. my head is fucking with me.
its putting thoughts thats ive never had before. or at least never thought of before.
theyre there. and i never noticed them. or maybe i just ignored them. im not sure anymore.

all that does is make me think of 2 people. Aileen and Elisa. theyre all ive got now.
its not that i dont have family i do. but these two girls are here daily. and i love
them way too much, and its not enough.

theres too much. too much i want to say. this was good enough for now. if youve found yourway
here. i want to say thank you. because you took the time to listen. thats all i asked for.
anything youd like to say is more than welcomed. i know i ranted but its my way to release myself


"Through the strength of your arms, I realized I was off the mark.
All I really wanted was a pair of interested ears.
I learned that for every pause, I was almost guaranteed more time to speak.
It's always the selfish who say that life is way too short.
I'm not looking to get old, but that'll happen anyway.
Now I look at my hands they don't move the same two years ago.
At a slow steady pace, I made my way back home.
At least there I won't be ashamed.
Earlier today I felt the warmth as the skin it held the heat,
now the city surrounds me in different tones of gray.
Those are the same cries that make my bones shake...
Those are the same assholes that take more than they can handle.
I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.
I have kinetic energy.
The dividing line will separate us all.
Sometimes it's those nights,
where I'm all I have is really all I need."

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sugar and spice was a shitty ass movie. [Jan. 2nd, 2010|05:55 pm]
sometimes wounds are not as healed as good as you think they are.
i just want to know when it'll get to the point were we cant look
at them and just think wow i went through that and not have those
feelings you once thought you had.

im here not because i need a frined. or a response. or even an opinion.
im here to be heard. heard without spoke back to. theres something in knowing
that youve said what youve wanted with out any expectations.

i spent nye alone. sitting in my room watching tv. as a matter of fact i was
in such a crazy mood i went to bed at 10:45. its just another fucking day. i dont
get what its such a big fucking deal to everyone. and ill go ahead and say it.
im bitter. i was so fucking overwhelmed with this feeling of lonesome. and it pisses
me off sometimes. i could have easily called anyone. but i didnt. i kept telling myself
in my head if they wanted to be with you tonight they would have called. yes. yes yes.
i get it. no one called. i cant say no one. as we spent last year together as a band i expected
it to be the same this year but it wasnt. eveyrone went their own ways. mandie was the only one
to ask me but it was way out in covina. whatever.

im done i dont want to rabble on again. as i always do. shits fucked. im not in a social mood.
this is how i enjoy myself. fuck everyone. i dont fucking need anyone. i keep telling msyelf that.
one day ill believe it.

all calls are ignored. all text are ignored. most tweets. ive being very selective. i have untill the 26ths
to pay my phone and i think im not gonna do it again. i dont want to have a phone right now.

heres to 2010. another year alone.
fuck everyone.
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im in. but probably too late to save you [Feb. 16th, 2009|11:53 am]
[Current Music |i<3lucy]

its heartbreaking to see people lose faith. last nights rehearsals was just a total bummer. ian said hes had enough. hes tired and well his days are numbered. sure theyve only been together a little under 2 years. but for him to call it quits just like that its sad. i havent been around the whole time. and i understand that theyve been through numerous band members... once i came in i made a pact that this is where we start. and that i wasnt goin anywhere. i ment it. everything i said about them was just me being insecure. i see that now. but its obvious that he just cant take it anymore. this recording at the end of next month has to be finished,done, perfect, and amazing. or as he said last night. hes walking away. hes done. things have been moving slow. the writing process is just so bad right now. it just feels as if dave goes against everything we say just because. its frustrating. so here i am. doing what i should have been doing since the beginning. working on writing. once again im right back where i didnt want to be in the first place. writing everything for everyone like little babys. but i guess i have to. for the bands sake. its ok. i have to make this work.
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im a mess. but at least just to myself [Feb. 15th, 2009|03:29 pm]
[Current Mood |worriedworried]
[Current Music |the automatic year - self destruction button]

so i had ignored this place for almost a year. up until that last entry. i wish i could say i dont know what happened but i do. in a nutshell i had a bit of a breakdown. thats pretty obvious. i freaked out about everything as i let my emotions just bottle up for such a long time. i thought i didnt need this anymore. but i prolly do. and i will prolly be here. ill try not to.

tomorrows the day. the 2 year mark. and i dont know why.. ive been counting down the days for some reason. it just all feels like a big hole/gap. its hard to explain. i cried for a while. it was great. it really was. it was a release i mos def needed. ive been locked up in my room ever since though. i really just find absolutely no reason for anyone right now. aside from work.

and well the band.

im sure things are great with them. im not saying perfect because its not. but i see it as a relationship. things can never be 100% perfect. it doesnt matter how great things are it just never works that way. its life. you work at it. were starting the pre-production at my house on tuesday. ill be doing all the recordings so we can plan out everything we want to add for the full-length at the end of next month. this is were ill shine for them i guess. i would say im good at adding and layering everything to make it sound full. as far as sound. its going to be very deathcab/stars/rilo-esk with a hint of minus the bear. im really happy with it. its everything ive always wanted. well see how things turn up soon.

things need to work for me. its my only way out. at least it feels that way.
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im the worst brother , friend, band mate you'll ever encouter. [Feb. 6th, 2009|12:39 am]
[Current Mood |coldcold]

****im add this before i got to bed. please i just need someone to know. thats all i expect you to do. Listen in this case read. please thats all you need to do thanks****

i have a lot to vent about. i cried a bit on my way home from rehearsal. about alot of things. it felt almost like a panic attack. or being super overwhelmed. i mostly cried about my sister. i felt so horrible on tuesday. it was her birthday and i knew it. i didnt forget. i thought about it all week. i was walking out and she says "wait were going to do a cake in a little bit" i felt like the biggest piece of shit ever. i left. i said "sorry i have to go". we had our band photoshoot with the studio. its been booked for months now. i still have that moment burned into my memory. you should have seen the look on her face. how can i do that to her? im getting chocked up just thinking about it. i hate myself. i really do. as i drove i thought about that... work stuff, band stuff, money. im freaking out. i dont know what i am going to do. im to the point where i think i would go to mcdonalds and get a second job. if thats what it takes.
whatever. really. i might start with canceling my phone. for a few months. i would sell stuff but no one has money to buy stuff. i dont know.

so i get to rehearsals late. james is yelling at me as we do to anyone who forgets to come to rehearsals at a certain time. its dumb they swear we all agreed to show up at 7:30. but obviously james forgot because he asked if we could go early. and never text me back to confirm. so they called at 7:45 and are like where are you. i was a sleep. i get there and everyones acting all dumb. we do it to everyone though. but i dont know i feel iffy. mostly because i can just tell its not the same. i dont know if its me. freaking out. im always so negative. im always cautions. i have my reasons. i have my problems. i heard dave mention something that ive heard him say before. im not stupid and i know hes talking about me. i dont know what it is.... hes looking at ian and says "you know how i feel about that" and i know for sure it has something to do with me. i dont know if its something you have to be there for but like i said im not dumb. i realized something after that. what if im being used? i think this is mostly why i started to panic. i started thinking well if im not really wanted in the band why am i bothering? even though its everything ive always wanted. i feel like they dont want me there. it sucks. i started to think that what if they kicked me out. i wondered if what if they were waiting for the right moment. and i thought how? where? when? then it came to me. what if they waited till after the recording. what if thats all they were waiting for... record so that its easier for them to replace me. i dont know thats all i can think about right now. i hate the thought of it. mostly because everything ive ever written that i hold dear to me. its the stuff i worked on so many years to accomplish i went straight ahead and just used it with them. i dont know if i can handle that. handing over everything ive ever done over to someone else. someone who has no idea about it. where it came. what i was going through when i wrote. it bums me out. it saddens me. to the point where i feel like i should just take my stuff and walk away. regardless weather im right or wrong. i texted ian. to call me. i was freaking out the whole way home. finally he calls and i didnt say anything. i just figured i dont think they would ever say anything. i dont even know. who i can trust and cant. he was busy so i said id talk to him another time. i dont know if i should come forward with it. he said to call tomorrow. i probably wont. im calming down but im still unsure of what i want to do. i always thought to myself that if i was ever in a band it would be with friends. because thats always how its always been. but then again in order to start bands with friends i need to have friends. im alone. i dont wanna hear antyihing about that. yes i get it i get it. the thing is that you dont get it. i dont expect you to understand. ive been alone my whole life. from childhood. through my teen years. always. its fine i dont care. but i do regret the fact that i dont have what i see around me. i cant say i miss my best friend. im glad my childhood is gone. sure i miss kevin. he would be next in line. im trailing off now. i dont know. i wanted to vent. i just couldnt figure out how to put everything out there for you. sorry i didnt answer. i really am. i need time alone. i need time to think things through. i hope you understand. its time for me to once again crawl back into this cave of mine. avoid everything.

im weeks away. not even that. a couple of days away from her anniversary. i cant belive its going to be two years now. things happen for a reason. i keep telling myself that. and i miss my mom alot. all i can think about it my sister though. i dont want to let her down. like i let my mom down. i wish i could have listen to her. i knew she was right and i felt like i could maybe prove her wrong about where i was and what i wanted to do. and all ive done is wasted these past 5 years. im sorry now. the worst part is i cant even let her know. i just feel so ashamed. i cant do this anymore. please i just want to be alone. but i felt like someone should at least know. im glad its you. thanx.
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you should have seen this coming [Mar. 12th, 2008|11:19 pm]
[Current Music |Blindside]

really. you stole my heart from her. she was left in the dust. and you did absolutely nothing for me. forgotten. and now well i just want to let you know that you've been replaced. what goes around comes around as to speak. so i can honestly say you get what you deserve. and i really will never forget the things i trusted you with. everything i let you know. i really thought you'd always be there for me. and now youre not. im forgotten. but really its me. i lost interest in you. ur just so borring. so lifeless. theres really nothing to do with you. so really im sorry. but im going back to her. so these are the last things you will ever hear from me. and maybe ill comeback. i really dont see it happening. after everything she did for me i think im better off. so here it is. so long Livejournal. forever seems so far away. so ill say for now.

p.s. and just so you know. melodramatic has always been better than you. so thats why im goin back to her. i miss my Karma points. and i miss popping cherries. and writing on peoples walls.

so long.
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everyday is a waste. everyday im a waste. [Feb. 29th, 2008|11:31 am]
[Current Music |the get up kids]

ive been wanting to write. and i havent. i dont know. i dont find a good enough reason too. no matter how important the matter is. i took last Wednesday and Thursday off. i also too the 12th off. ill start with the 12th. it was her birthday. i pretty much layed in bed all day. i decided to make my day a horrible day. i sat on the floor by my bed twiddling with my pedals and my guitar. cried a bit. i never came out of my room. no one bothered me. not like anyone calls anyways. but it was a successful day. i said happy birthday and i went to bed. now Tuesday marked her one year. it bothered me a bit because my sister didnt say anything. i dont understand our relationship. why it is the way it is. so i woke up got in the shower. broke down in the shower. it was the perfect day. gray skies cold and quiet. i had not been to see her since the day we buried her. i wont lie i got lost a bit and it took me like 10 minutes to find her. mostly because i dont remember those 2 trees being there. i stood there. i cried. so many things that ran through my mind. i couldnt find the need to sit. i stood there for 20 to 25 minutes. i cried most of the time. it started to rain a little. it didnt matter much i guess. i dont think much did at that moment. it was almost perfect. down to no reception on my phone. nothing could bother our time i guess. it made me thing about my niece. my sister used to cry alot those first few days/weeks. i dont know how long. she was so young. theres no chance she's ever remember her grandmother. i dont get it. she was so happy. she was so happy on her birthday. everything was supposed to be over. she had her new healthy heart already. it was just a matter of doing her therapy for her arm movement. im just so sick of everything right now. i feel like a waste. if i could take her place i would. she could be someone for my niece. me? i just want to disappear.
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happy new year [Dec. 31st, 2007|09:52 pm]
[Current Music |silence]

i talked about my mom today at work. i almost cried. i had to take myself to the side for a bit. sam felt so bad. she gave me a hug and i think that just made it worse. it was hard. i think thats why i wasnt in the mood to work. Everyone had said why i was in such a good mood when i came in. it just happened. and i didnt think me saying something so simple about here would fill me with such emotions. im in my pjs. i havent been here in a long time. i really just came to catch up. see whats up. since i dont hear from you. aside from saturday. lately ive felt weird. i dont know. im goin to bed. i took some nyquil cus i wanna make sure i fall asleep. soon. good night.

p.s. its my favorite present this year. u dont know how much i love it.
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seven days ago [Nov. 26th, 2007|09:33 pm]
the party never ends? how fucken cheesy is that? geez.
tv tonight. skated for a bit. gonna take a break. and
skate after. tomorrow off. i shouldnt have given my shift away.
i made no money this weekend. breaker shifts suck. and today
was slow. i have to take my car to the dealer tomorrow. my
appointment is at 8 a.m. motha ffff!. thats all they have
available. and i have to go tomorrow. ill have the rest of the day
to my self though. so thats good i guess.
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b-sides [Nov. 16th, 2007|10:28 am]
thanks to you = modern day miracle song. i like bryans version more.
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